Zack Sheppard

Tonight I am sitting on my floor reading some old draft posts, making mixed drinks and listening to Jazz. Coltrane’s Naima is one of my favorite songs. The notes stick with my like scenes in The Razors Edge. After listening to Naima I wanted more Jazz so I went to iPod > Music > Genres > Jazz and let it play.

Reading the posts, editing some and trying to figure out my working style.

They aren’t good enough to post yet. But close. Im realizing i cant be a perfectionist and I’m going to produce a lot of crap for a while. As noted by Ira Glass. I have been holding ideas in my head and not getting them out there because I can’t express them good enough.

But holding them back ensures I will never get them out.

Accepting some crap for a while is progress.

I’m trying writing them and editing them later to get major kinks out.

The process is a work in progress like the words.

As long as the desire is constant.

I’ll see you in a week or less.

In the 60s in Winnemucca there was live music and people downtown dancing and having fun every and it was in large part because of Joe Mackey. He was one of those people with lots of energy and a magnetic personality that was just fun and made things happen. Joe was a successful businessman who wasn’t just looking to make money but loved Winnemucca and wanted to help make it a great place to live. He once carpeted a section of downtown to make it a little nicer for the people out enjoying it. I heard quite a few stories about him growing up but the one that fascinated me most was that he could and would often fall asleep anywhere at anytime and wake up refreshed a few minutes later. One time when he was flying in his Cessna 210 with my Grandpa he said, “Hey Red you take the wheel for a few” and just conked out right there in the pilot’s seat.

:O I would love to be able to do that. Sounds like a damn superpower!

I don’t sleep much, which I don’t mind, and I always had a hard time sleeping. It’s been getting worse lately though and I started taking Tylenol PM about 6 months ago even though I always told myself I would never take any sleep aid. There has been more on my mind than normal, more at work, some projects I want to work on, and just some waking up about life in general that has been keeping my mind spinning at night. Good things but lots to process. The Tylenol is a blessing in some ways since I’m actually sleeping more than normal (about 7 hours a night now).

However, I think forcing my brain to calm down instead of finding a calm with all the new things I’m trying to do is causing the left over thoughts to bubble up still in other ways. The last 2 months or so I notice that I’m carrying around stress in my back and my body which I never ever did before. (I usually don’t even like back rubs because they don’t do anything for me) I’ve been having more bad dreams. Usually dreams about work where shit is due or about my life where things just aren’t right. Also, i seem to be grinding my teeth at night. Grrrrr

It is 12:37am. If I walk away right now, I will still be tossing and turning. Why?
* This here that I’m writing would be another unfinished idea
* I would want to go outside for a minute to smell the fresh air. 5 minutes, 10 minutes. Wont be enough. Why? Because I didn’t go enjoy the day any today and 5 minutes on the steps at the end of the day isn’t enjoying it.
* Maybe a few thoughts to my little booknotes idea I want to work on

Sometimes TV can cover these enough to let me sleep. Sometimes a pill. But those are poor substitutes for the calm that Joe found and he had lots more going on than I do.

So what is that calm? The ability to lay your head back and be happy right where you are. No, not exactly happy. To let go of everything and be comfortable right where you are. None of that other stuff matters enough to think about. Taking 5 more minutes to think about it isn’t important.

I guess that’s what it sounds like to me since I need to be comfortable that I did the best I could that day. So maybe getting to that place for me will mean doing the extra few things to make me comfortable with the day. There is a discipline of pulling off sleep like that in this extreme example of Joe. But for even that to work there is a comfort with the self that is a prerequisite. That is the part that will loosen my back again and unclench my teeth.

Anyway, the point of all this, no more Tylenol PM.