Zack Sheppard

I have to get this story out there before I forget the details.

My cousin Fred (above) has been trying to sell his truck. A few weeks into trying to sell it he gets hit at an intersection in Reno. Nobody is hurt or anything. A young black kid gets out of the car. He’s on the way to his brother’s house to pick up his tux for prom that night. His parents show up, they are screaming at him, “I can’t believe you did this, you just got off probation!” He’s begging Fred not to call the cops, he has no insurance. Fred says, I’m sorry man I gotta call the cops you got no insurance.”

The cops come and do their thing. The whole time the parents are yelling at the kid. The kid is freaking out, “What am I gonna do now”. They don’t have another car and the prom is ruined for him.

Finally Fred interrupts them yelling at each other, “Hey! Look, I got a little old beat up Tercel at home. If you want it for the night it’s yours.”

“Really?” the kid says.

“Really?” the Dad says.

“Really.”

A little later the kid rides his bike up to Fred’s house and the Dad drives up. While Fred is showing them the car the Dad says, “Wait, do you even know how to drive stick?” Nope.

So Fred takes him to the parking lot of the grocery store 2 blocks away for a lesson. There’s 2 Postman on a break. They see them going in circles in the lot. Stalling and, KCHun-KchunGing the whole time. They take off probably figuring they don’t want to get hit.

20 minutes later they are back at the house.

Fred’s giving him the car. “Ok, here’s the license, registration, don’t get pulled over”

“Don’t worry I won’t get pulled over. Umm by the way, do I have to bring it back tonight?”

“Yea you gotta bring it back tonight! What, you think you’re going to get lucky?”

“Well, I’m kinda hoping.”

“Ok, i tell you what. If you get lucky, you bring it back tomorrow. If not, you bring it back tonight!”

“Ok no problem.” And the kid is off.

About midnight Fred gets a call. It’s the kid. “Hey man, you remember that shakey shakey thing (if you ever tried to learn stick, you know what this is) well the cops saw me doing that on Virginia Street and they think I’m drunk and stole it. By the way man, I forgot, what’s your name?”

Needless to say, the cops don’t believe his story.

The cops finally called Fred, verified him as the owner, and the kid was on his way. Next morning the kid shows up.

“Hey man, I got lucky.”

[Much rejoicing]

So the kid thanks Fred. Takes a white sheet he had brought for the back seat which is all fucked up. Puts it on his back, and rides his bike home.

No shit.

Hi.

I’m not sure where to start this. I disappeared for a while. I got overwhelmed. I piled some big dreams on myself, got lost and started to think I’d never get them done. So I pulled away. Stopped writing and stopped reading anything that inspired me. I stopped watching anything that spoke to me. I just didn’t see how I’d ever do what I want to do with that information. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the knowledge. I don’t have the time to gain the knowledge.

So instead of driving myself crazy, getting more and more worked up about the way the world is with no way to do something about it, I just ignored it all. I decided to enjoy life and ignore all that for a bit. I know there are things you can do. Organizations and causes you can join. But most of them don’t satisfy what I want. Most of the places you can help, I think the cause they fight for is a symptom of a larger problem. It’s the larger problem I want to fight.

I got to that place where you see what is “wrong with the world” behind every newspaper article, commercial, tv show, in every segment of the tv show. My brain was bursting with what it saw. Fwiw I think I’m behind most other people in seeing a lot of this. My thoughts sounded like what you might hear from a college freshman being introduced to so many new ideas for the first time. And even though I might be behind, the passion is important. I don’t want to ignore it. I don’t want it to dull. That to me would be the worst crime. So instead of accepting these things when I don’t have the time or skills to try and do something about them, I ignored it. In hopes of saving the passion for when I’m better prepared to do something.

To ignore all that drives me a whole different kind of crazy. But at least it isn’t an impotent crazy. I’m trying to pull myself out of that now and the first step I think is finding a balance in my life between these dreams, my work, and my personal life. My work is fulfilling and I love my life (which is also full). Either of the other 2 could envelop me on it’s own. So making time for doing something of my own is hard.

But the nagging.

I feel I have something I should do. I can’t ignore that and I don’t give up. So how to choose how to balance, that’s my first step. I’m not even very good at balancing work and fun and now I’m adding a 3rd thing on top. But that 3rd is important to me. I think following your dreams is the most important thing. But I need to work. And I’m 34, I want to live life everyday and enjoy whatever youth I have left. But the responsibility to my dreams paralyzes me most nights. What to do?

That’s where I’ve been. There is a way out. I’m not the first person to be in this conundrum and I won’t be the first to find a way out(through). But I will find that way out(through).

First I’ll let myself be inspired again. I think I’m in a place where I can process it again. My fever has died a little in the acceptance that having it only in my mind is not helpful. So it’s not as paralyzing to think about. I want to find a way to process, organize all this info. Maybe in a way that will help more people than just me.