Trying to climb up
Hi.
I’m not sure where to start this. I disappeared for a while. I got overwhelmed. I piled some big dreams on myself, got lost and started to think I’d never get them done. So I pulled away. Stopped writing and stopped reading anything that inspired me. I stopped watching anything that spoke to me. I just didn’t see how I’d ever do what I want to do with that information. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the knowledge. I don’t have the time to gain the knowledge.
So instead of driving myself crazy, getting more and more worked up about the way the world is with no way to do something about it, I just ignored it all. I decided to enjoy life and ignore all that for a bit. I know there are things you can do. Organizations and causes you can join. But most of them don’t satisfy what I want. Most of the places you can help, I think the cause they fight for is a symptom of a larger problem. It’s the larger problem I want to fight.
I got to that place where you see what is “wrong with the world” behind every newspaper article, commercial, tv show, in every segment of the tv show. My brain was bursting with what it saw. Fwiw I think I’m behind most other people in seeing a lot of this. My thoughts sounded like what you might hear from a college freshman being introduced to so many new ideas for the first time. And even though I might be behind, the passion is important. I don’t want to ignore it. I don’t want it to dull. That to me would be the worst crime. So instead of accepting these things when I don’t have the time or skills to try and do something about them, I ignored it. In hopes of saving the passion for when I’m better prepared to do something.
To ignore all that drives me a whole different kind of crazy. But at least it isn’t an impotent crazy. I’m trying to pull myself out of that now and the first step I think is finding a balance in my life between these dreams, my work, and my personal life. My work is fulfilling and I love my life (which is also full). Either of the other 2 could envelop me on it’s own. So making time for doing something of my own is hard.
But the nagging.
I feel I have something I should do. I can’t ignore that and I don’t give up. So how to choose how to balance, that’s my first step. I’m not even very good at balancing work and fun and now I’m adding a 3rd thing on top. But that 3rd is important to me. I think following your dreams is the most important thing. But I need to work. And I’m 34, I want to live life everyday and enjoy whatever youth I have left. But the responsibility to my dreams paralyzes me most nights. What to do?
That’s where I’ve been. There is a way out. I’m not the first person to be in this conundrum and I won’t be the first to find a way out(through). But I will find that way out(through).
First I’ll let myself be inspired again. I think I’m in a place where I can process it again. My fever has died a little in the acceptance that having it only in my mind is not helpful. So it’s not as paralyzing to think about. I want to find a way to process, organize all this info. Maybe in a way that will help more people than just me.
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